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this kid is giving me a run for my money today.

being a mama is hard, in the best way. and I knew it would be-everyone told me it would--I just didn't know the type of hard. there's no way anyone could know what it's like until they're in it (like a lot of things in life).

he cries, a lot--and there are usually only a few things it could be: hungry, tired, bored, cold, hot, needs a new diaper. but a lot of the time, he cries even though all of those things are taken care of. I try reasoning with him, asking him what on earth could possibly be wrong. I order him to be quiet, using his middle name even (I mean business). but he still cries, and this gets really overwhelming for a mama. Zach works full-time (usually more than full-time) starting at 8 am everyday so I am on night duty--on average, I get probably 5 hours of sleep a night. I rarely eat before 1 pm. I go days (more days than before baby) without showering and only get dressed if we need to go somewhere (but have no time for makeup!!!). I went from having a full-time job and doing whatever I wanted, whenever, to staying at home all day, alone with a newborn baby (who needs me literally every singly minute of the day,) and with no adult human interactions. Nursing has been pretty difficult--and I mean blisters-on-the-nips (at first) difficult. I don't know if I have ever felt more inadequate than in the first two weeks of trying to breastfeed my baby. The emotions and hormones alone are a whole different challenge, one that affects every single thing I do--and I am reminded of this as I wipe my tears of frustration on a dirty burp cloth (true story).

But we are learning every single day. We are getting to know each other a little more and getting a little better with every passing hour. I have realized (over and over) my incredible selfishness and am learning to daily (hourly/minutely?) pray for patience and the ability to love and serve this tiny human. I am constantly reminded of the incredible gift Forest is, every time he snuggles his head into my neck or looks up at me with those big eyes or falls asleep on my chest or when I catch a whiff of his perfect baby smell. I am learning how frustrating it must be for God when we think we know what's best for ourselves, when clearly, he is the one who knows and is taking care of it all. I am getting the tiniest glimpse of the love the Father has for us, through the fierce love I have for this little kid. so that's why I say that being a mama is hard, in the best way. It is the greatest difficult thing I've ever done and we are taking it one day at a time.

xoxo

Han